The President Speaks on Thursday

The President speaks on Thursday.  Should be easy to remember since that’s when the real NFL TV season begins.  My hunch is that even Obama may be more interested in getting blitzed at some tailgate party instead of standing in front of a testy Congress and a raft of TV cameras.

Nevertheless, I intend to have the minimum number of beers and pay strict attention to our Commander-in-Chief.  I will take notes and be prepared to discuss the speech with Yoram, Shed, Harry and anyone else who may have had nothing better to do.

There have been lots of leaks about the speech and most of the talking heads have already blasted something they haven’t either heard, read or divined from their tea leaves.  However, just so you can be as informed as they are, the conventional Beltway wisdom is that Obama will either:

1. Propose some specific plans to spur job growth…which have zero chance of passing a Congress that is either afraid to do anything significant for fear of alienating a sizable number of morons in their home states or actually improving the mess we’re in before November, 2012, or
2. Be fuzzy about what he thinks  so that no one can criticize the specifics of the non-existent plan before November, 2012, or
3. Tell everyone he’s going to do whatever the hell he pleases without asking Congress, so long as he can’t be impeached before November, 2012.

On the other hand, he could simply say, ya know, there’s really not much point in me being up here spouting things that you either don’t believe, hate, have a rat’s ass chance of passing, or that interfere with you getting ready to watch the Packer-Saints game.  So, I’ve decided to lighten up and give you some of the current ideas espoused by one of my potential Republican adversaries, Rick Perry who, God willing, will be running against me in November, 2012.

Governor Perry has ordered Texas universities to come up with a plan to cut the cost of a BA degree by two-thirds.  Following that, he intends to focus his attention on reducing the cost of colonoscopies which, in his case, require a wide-screen TV.

Citing the astounding success of his recent prayer meeting in bringing the average temperature in Dallas down from 110 to 108 degrees, Governor Perry intends to hold a second meeting focused on moving the remaining Arctic glaciers to San Antonio via transubstantiation thereby eliminating the laborious search for water in his state…which will be seceding from the Union anyway.

Having labeled Social Security a Ponzi scheme as illegal as the fraud perpetrated by Bernie Madoff,  the Governor will next direct his attention to eliminating the Department of Motor Vehicles because it is not specifically mentioned in the Constitution.  And the Highway Patrol too since there is no speed limit in his state anyway.

The Governor has called Obamacare the closest thing to Socialism we have ever had and has promised to obliterate it the moment he can put down the bible used at his inauguration.  He believes that the only way to salvation, once Jerusalem is in Christian hands, is to eliminate all health care regulation including the Food and Drug administration.  However, mindful of the need to maintain the health of a large underpaid working class, clinical trials of new drugs shall continue but will consist of a single dose  administered to Texas cows.  If they live, it’s good to go.

Now let’s party!