And a Good Time Was Had By All

Paul called me a little after 5.  “Are you watching the debate?  It’s about to start.”  I had intended to watch the Tea Party party but had let it slip away as things have a habit of doing at my age.

Grabbing the clicker, I switched to CNN and saw the Wolfman.  Mr. Blitzer looked as though he had sharpened his fangs and was ready to tear into the smiling faces on the stage.  There they were, the Republican version of salvation, prepared to deal with the questions posed by the 99% white multitude gathered before them.

Sweetie picked up on what I was watching.  “How can you listen to that?”  I promised her that it would be entertaining, amazing and fun…just like going to the circus.   Even the promise of a glass of chardonnay had little effect.  And then she marched off to something much more challenging, her jigsaw puzzle.

I enjoyed seeing the Tea Party crowd as much as I did watching the debaters search for open wounds in their opponents’ somewhat checkered histories.  It was as though the crowd was a school of circling sharks waiting for blood to spill into the water.  They were not disappointed and had lots of opportunities to either boo lustily or cheer without reservation.  Sometimes at the same time.

For those of you who were also fitting pieces into a jigsaw puzzle or, like Bob, watching the Patriots trash the Dolphins, I offer the highlights of the evening.

Assurance by all debaters that Social Security would be sacrosanct for those currently feeding at that trough (aka the folks who always vote.)  Only young people who are preoccupied with making a living need be concerned.  And even those kids will be better off investing their retirement funds with Bernie Madoff instead of trusting the Federal Government.

Further assurance by all that Obamacare was dead once the new president found his or her way to the Oval Office.  A competitive health care marketplace will do a much better job of controlling costs than any death panel could.  Just like it’s done for the last fifty years.

Governor Perry, as the current poll leader, was the chief recipient of pointed queries by the audience and his friends on the platform.  As a result, he managed to turn himself inside out just like my shorts…not a pretty sight.   A particularly entertaining segment involved Bachmann and Santorum taking him to task for signing a Texas executive order ordering little girls to be inoculated with a vaccine to prevent cervical cancer.  A very colorful Santorum said “Perry is allowing big government to run amok over 12-year-old girls.”  Ms. Bachmann nearly called for his impeachment, accusing the Governor of taking a $5,000 political donation from Merck, the vaccine developer.  An equally glib Perry responded “If you think I can be bought for only $5,000 then I’m really offended.”

A few more quotes…more or less…

Gingrich…the way out of the budget mess is to get rid of waste and fraud (he obviously does not keep up with current events.)

Bachmann…I was a tax lawyer.  I can figure out how to deal with that mess.

Perry…The first Obama stimulus produced zero jobs.

Bachmann…Obama stole $500 billion from Medicare to fund Obamacare.

Cain…Throw out the tax code.  Implement my 999 plan.  Nine percent corporate tax, nine percent personal income tax, nine percent national sales tax.

Santorum…Zero corporate tax.

Cain…Fix the Fed.

Perry…The Fed is used to cover up Obama’s bad financial policy.  Bernanke is dead meat.

Gingrich…We’re in the middle of the Obama depression.

Romney…Fix the health care problem by making folks more accountable for their care.  Health savings accounts and higher co-insurance.

Paul…The government shouldn’t pay for health care insurance.  If a thirty year old chooses to have no insurance and gets a major illness, let the church and his neighbors take care of him.

Santorum, et al…Cure the immigration problem by more fences, storm troopers, boots on the ground.

Perry…The president has a constitutional duty to secure the border with Mexico.

Perry…I did sign a bill to provide higher education tuition benefits to children of illegal immigrants.

Bachmann…Screw the children of illegal immigrants.  It was the liberal members of Congress who changed the immigration laws.

Cain…The way to achieve energy independence is to get rid of bureaus like the EPA.   Appoint a Regulation Reduction Commission and pack it with the kind of people who’ve been abused by the EPA.

Santorum…What a country!  We can do no wrong.  Nuts to people who complain about us while praying to the east.

Ron Paul…Ya know, we may have contributed to the reasons why people in the Middle East hate us.  He was lustily booed by the assembled multitude.

The debate ended with each candidate saying what single thing they would bring to the White House to improve it.  Perry would bring his wife. Romney will bring Churchill’s bust. Cain his obvious sense of humor.  Bachmann, in an heroic effort to win over the undecideds, promised to bring the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution and The Bill of Rights…nothing else.

Too bad.  I’m not voting for anyone who won’t bring a jigsaw puzzle.