I’m Available

As long as the Republicans have decided to close their eyes, ears and mouths when it comes to even considering a Supreme Court replacement for Scalia, I’d like to apply for the job.

It makes no sense to me for the Black Guy to nominate a truly qualified person since the selection would be sentenced to the bowels of an already constipated Senate.  And the nominee would be also be harming his or her chances at some other important job.  Like Postal Commissioner or Surgeon General, guys who have a lot of impactful things to do.

So, since I have no desire to shred envelopes or tell people to quit drinking good vodka, I hereby throw my hat into the ring. I’ve got very little to do for the next ten months so I can devote my full attention to filling the vacancy created by Scalia’s timely departure.

And I have no baggage to bring to the Court. I’m not an attorney, know next to nothing about the law and have, as evidenced by my blogs, no axe to grind with anyone. My last brush with the law was a parking ticket thirty years ago, so vetting by the FBI should take less than a day.

If I am nominated and confirmed, I promise to emulate the way some others behave on the highest bench in the land. In particular, I will refrain from opening my mouth in open court, thereby eliminating any possibility of shaming myself or causing embarrassment to my colleagues. This has worked well for at least one member of the court who has, it is said, been present but silent for more than two decades.

Actually, what with the ease of communicating electronically, I can stay home, listen to the proceedings with my stereo headphones and then vote by pressing a button, just like many of our Congressmen or Senator Rubio.

My nearly four score age is a plus too. Already living on borrowed time, an accelerated departure is probably in the cards as a result of the stress I will be under deciding the fate of others. Forget about the lack of impunity or accountability enjoyed by the sitting justices. Being Jewish, I bring a boatload of guilt to the job, sure to make my life a living hell. So, I’m probably up for a short, quiet, no waves tenure that’ll probably be over before The Donald squats in the Oval Office.

On the rare occasions that I will be present in the courtroom, I promise to bring a stoic, judicial appearance that will bring confidence to my colleagues and to those presenting arguments to the Court. Nodding knowingly at the right moments and curling my lip when appropriate will enhance my stature with others.

Depending completely on my law clerks to form my opinions will be standard operating procedure. After all, who knows the law better, an old guy like me or someone fresh out of law school angling for a future zillion dollar job with a multi-national law firm.

So there you have it. A no-risk solution to a problem that everyone thought was a Constitutional crisis. I’ll even buy my own lunch.

I hope that the Black Guy and the Kentucky Colonel are reading this blog. You guys know how to reach me. But don’t take too long. I expect to soon hear from The Donald about the job of Attorney General.

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8 Responses to “I’m Available”


  1. 1 myrna February 25, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    i just knew you would have a solution … go for it … you forgot to mention your lively sense of humor and gift for writing that would also be assets … can add humility, gentleness and compassion to that list of assets!

  2. 2 Harry February 25, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    I’ll volunteer to be your SuperPac chairman to make sure you get nominated

  3. 3 joel February 25, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    I wrote and suggested Sandra Day O’Conner. Her reasons for leaving were bogus, she is older so no one has to worry about the next century, she’s certainly middle of the road, someone who knows the Court and a Republican. It is too bad that we can’t convince the voters that ‘it ain’t going to be a Republican” who wins the election in November. Think how much simpler this would all be.

  4. 4 Michael February 25, 2016 at 4:07 pm

    LOL. Just one problem Freddy…you’re not an attorney. Perhaps a CPA would be accceptable in which case I will write a letter of recommendation that they break the rules. After all our gov’t seems to do just that all of the time.

  5. 5 leila kleiman February 25, 2016 at 8:20 pm

    I think this is the perfect solution. I will call Senators at dinner time to solicit their vote.

  6. 6 June Behar February 26, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Hold out for ambassadorship to Israel.

  7. 7 Jon February 27, 2016 at 10:18 am

    I have a black robe with stripes you can use…judiciously.

  8. 8 Nancy March 2, 2016 at 9:38 am

    Works for me!


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