Posts Tagged 'joe the plumber'

NRA Caves In

The National Rifle Association, bowing to pressure exerted by Congress, has agreed to change its name to the National Gun Association.

Acknowledging that most of the murders committed in the U.S. involve handguns instead of rifles, the NRA began to destroy its existing  stationery and order new stocks that also incorporate its revised slogan “Guns r Us”.   Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s executive vice president said in a short but heartfelt announcement “we know when to cash in our chips, give up the ghost, wave the white flag and lay down our arms.  This is a major victory for the gun control folks, but what the hell, we’ve had a good run.”

Expressing great satisfaction with the U.S. House of Representatives’ demands for the name change following last week’s massacre in Isla Vista, Speaker Boehner said, “That should bring closure to the question of whether we’ve got the balls to take on the NRA.  Forcing them to change their name brings them out of the closet and reveals just who they represent.  This is another meaningful accomplishment that our members can point to this November as we seek to expand our control of the House and take back the Senate.  And as further evidence of our commitment to reduce gun violence, I intend to offer up a proposal that repeals the Affordable Care Act. ”

When reporters queried Mr. Boehner about the connection of the repeal of Obamacare to the carnage caused by the lack of any meaningful gun controls, he replied “Oh, that’s just something we do”.  Mr. Boehner then left the Capitol to deliver the keynote speech at the NRA annual meeting.

Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, the Tea-Party star better known as “Joe The Plumber”,  joined the chorus of gun rights advocates by penning the following to Richard Martinez, father of one of the Isla Vista victims.  “Your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.  So there.”  When asked what controls, if any, he might advocate to reduce the kind of carnage that happened in Isla Vista, Joe replied “Ya know, there were three people who that crazy bozo slaughtered with a knife.  Maybe we can require a seven-day waiting period and background checks at places like Williams Sonoma or Bed Bath and Beyond.  After all, there’s nothing in the Constitution about the right to bear knives.”

Attorney General Sam Olens of Georgia, where a recently enacted law allows people to carry guns into bars, churches and public places, said there was no truth to the statements made by gun owners that the law allows guns in public schools.  “That law only allows parents to carry guns when they pick up their kids.  After all, we’ve been overrun by kidnappings in school parking lots.  Someone had to do something, and we did it.”

One bright spot was Kansas where Attorney General Derek Smith clarified the law regarding guns in polling places.  “It’s OK to bring concealed weapons to a polling place as long as they allowed guns in that place before its use as a location where people vote.”  Gun control advocates cheered the clarification. On the other hand, Kansas Governor Sam Brownback questioned the logic of the restriction on polling places and surmised “Damn, maybe we should have let this alone.  Maybe if I were a fraudulent voter I’d think twice about going to place where some volunteer could blow me away without the proper ID.”

Chicago’s mayor Rahm Emanuel, in a courageous single-handed effort, proposed a slate of tough new gun controls including the public flogging of Chicago gun shop owners who violated the laws.  However, a reporter noted that 96% of the guns used during the city’s violent crimes were purchased in Kansas.

It’s time.

OK, surprise, I didn’t read the Snow Queen’s book.  But I did pass it on the sale table at Costco last week while I was grazing on the food kiosk freebies.  So I guess I can call myself an expert.  Everyone else does.  But enough about the Wasilla Killa.  More important things are competing for my attention.

Like watching Meet the Press Sunday when Joe Lieberman answered David Gregory’s question “Tell me Joe, why don’t you support the public option?”  Without hesitation, Joe responded “It will add to the deficit, increase taxes and lead to a government takeover of health care.”  The camera panned to Republican Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison who smiled broadly,  just like I did years ago when my son Steven hit a home run in Little League.  Sitting next to Kay, Senator Dianne Feinstein looked like my mother did when I nearly burned down the house next door.  That Joe, what a kick.

I clicked to Face the Nation just in time to see Mitch McConnell, the Republican minority leader,  point to a stool supporting the two foot high, fifteen pound health care reform bill and announce with a straight face “this will increase the deficit and put an end to free choice in health care.”  Omitting any mention of dead grandmothers or the hernia he developed lifting the bill, he mercifully left the stage.

Ignoring the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office’s finding that the bill would actually reduce the deficit, Mitch chose to take the opposite point of view.  That’s why our kids tell fibs, grow up to tell even bigger fibs and think it’s just the American way.  When Uncle Mitch, sworn to uphold the Constitution, can do it why can’t they?

But, again, there are more important things in life.  The Music Festival ran its annual Holiday Home Look-in last weekend.  Lots of women paid good bucks to walk through houses, browse through the owners’ most intimate possessions, and ooh and ahh.  I say “women” because of my intimate knowledge of the visitors.  I drove one of the shuttle busses that ferried folks to the homes.  My scientific survey found that 90% of the riders were females.  The only males on the bus looked like they’d rather be somewhere else, like a dark, smelly bar.  I fully sympathized.  But it was for a good cause.  The income supports the festival, the local economy, and public school music programs.  Plus it gives me something to do.

Driving home was a joy.  Beautiful, sunny and warm.  A reminder of why people live in California, even if it’s a financial basket case.  With the radio tuned to NPR, I wound up the Dennison Grade, passed the bucolic Black Mountain Ranch and wondered why all the cows seemed to be facing south.  Then I heard a cut from a Larry King show.

Joe the Plumber (who really isn’t a plumber) offered his insightful analysis of the Snow Queen’s masterpiece.  “So Joe, you liked the book?”  Joe, who didn’t read the book either, thought it was another good reason why the queen would make an excellent president.   “We’ve had enough smart experts in Washington trying to solve our problems.  It’s time we tried something different.”  Having failed the short-term memory test, I figured he also wouldn’t know why all the cows were facing south.

Yes, sure.  The reform bill is a mess.  We ought to fix the way we deliver care before we add 40 million more people to it.  We shouldn’t add a dime to the federal deficit.  We shouldn’t raise taxes when folks are out of work and the economy is on life support.  We shouldn’t restrict a person’s right to receive the care they want when they want it.  We shouldn’t take away any Medicare benefits from those who are used to getting them.  We shouldn’t…

But we should.  To wait is unacceptable.  To do nothing is unconscionable.


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